Friday, April 13, 2012

Cows 101 (not recommended for the faint of stomach)

Cows are interesting. Many people like to drink milk from cows. Some people even eat cows. The sad part of all this is that people don't take the time to get to know cows. I bet if I asked you, "What is a cow's favorite color?" you would have no answer for me. That is utterly shameful. (Yes, I did just go there.)

Today I will take some time to tell you everything you probably never bothered to learn about cows.

In case you didn't know, this is a cow:

The cow I have pictured above is an iconic cow. As you hopefully know, not all cows are white with black blobs (I would say "spots," but the word "spots" makes me think of dalmatians, and dalmatians are not cows.)

Some cows are brown. Some are all white. Some are all black. Some are blond. Some are solid-colored with big blobs of brown from rolling around in dirt and other brown things.

A boy version is called a bull or a steer, depending on how successful he'd be at creating little cows. A girl version is called a heifer or a cow, depending on how many times she's uh, been around the block. Little cows are called calves.

But today, we will focus on cows: the females who have, you know, been here, done that, had some calves to prove it...

A cow's favorite color is green, because green is the color of grass, and grass is delicious.

In fact, cows like grass so very much that they eat it, then puke it back up to eat it some more!

Cows chew regurgitated grass the way old, toothless hillbillies chew tobacco--constantly. Except cows are better at retaining their teeth.

If you think a cow's only hobby is eating barfy grass, you are wrong! Cows also like taking tremendous poops!

Cows have udders. Udders have teats. Usually a cow udder has four teats. These teats are where milk comes from. Mmm, milk!

Sometimes, cow udders have more than four teats. Extra teats are called supernumerary teats. They are useless because you cannot get milk from them.

Cows like the sound of tractors. They find it soothing. At least until the tractors begin chasing them. Then cows see tractors as big and scary.

Finally, cows enjoy rampaging after small children. I'm not sure why they they enjoy such terrorism, but they do. Maybe they want revenge because of the tractors.

I hope you know more about cows now than you did before.


  1. I like how the cows' eyes don't seem to matter much, since their nostrils and mouth make wonderful faces all by themselves.

    1. Someone else pointed that out to me as well. I'm not sure how I didn't notice. The cows are twice as happy?