Wednesday, September 19, 2012


Bearnicorn is a presidential candidate unlike any before. He's very honest, and has a solution for every problem.
Born from an uncommon relationship between a unicorn and a grizzly bear, Bearnicorn was raised in the wilderness of Montana, where he learned to work hard and fend for himself. He has risen from an impoverished background and directly understands the struggles of many Americans.

Bearnicorn lives by a simple philosophy:

If elected President, Bearnicorn plans to make some drastic changes within our government.

So vote for this radical new leader on November 6th! And remember,

Monday, September 3, 2012

So I had this crazy dream...

Last night, I had a dream I moved into a giant apartment building in Virginia. My cousin appeared and said,

And I said,

And she said,

I asked if there was a faster way, and then we started flying through the sky. We flew over Dollywood.

Then we made it to my cousin's luggage. She had too much stuff. She had four guitars and a banjo. I said,

Then, we grew more hands and took it all back to Virginia.

I tried to move into my bedroom, but someone was already living in there. Her bed took up the entire room . She said,

Then she left. I got angry and walked outside. Then a guy asked me to paint him something. I asked what, and he said,

Suddenly I had a canvas the size of a wall. Then a girl walked up and said,

She wrote stupid motivational stuff all over my canvas.

I got really furious, and I had to get a new canvas. I tried to think of what to paint, and I decided to paint an alien spaceship stealing the dome off the capital building. I thought it would be funny. Then, I was standing outside the capital building and lo and behold, an alien spaceship flew in.

But instead of stealing the dome, it crashed into the front lawn.

I ran up to see if the pilot was okay, and Robert De Niro climbed out, yelling about how he was going to get fired and kicked out of the air force for crashing the spaceship.

He ran away. I looked inside the spaceship and found about thirty pairs of new shoes, all in my size.

I started to pick up a pair, then I saw a bomb in the backseat. It was about to detonate. I ran away and the spaceship blew up and sent shoes flying everywhere.

And then I woke up.

Friday, July 6, 2012


I'm working at an outdoors (in-the-middle-of-a-forest outdoors) camp this summer. I teach kids crafts, and I'm also in charge of a rickety little building called "The Craft Cabin." All the supplies are kept inside, and we do crafts out on the porch. It's rotting in places, and I find new little piles of termite dust every day.

However, these things don't bother me as much as what lives inside in the loft.

Honestly, I'm terrified every time I have to go up there to get more craft supplies. You know why? Because fart monsters live up there. Other people at camp call them "wood rats," but I know better. They're definitely fart monsters.

At the beginning of the summer, the craft cabin looked terrible inside. There was really weird junk everywhere, crammed into every corner and crevice.

It took me two and a half weeks to gut and clean the inside. I filled up at least 6 giant trash cans. But I never cleaned the loft. I still haven't. It's too scary.

At one point during my cleaning spree, a friend came to see me. She said,

We climbed up the rickety metal ladder and stood in the loft, amidst bins and boxes full of craft supplies, and piles of chewed up paper, yarn, and fabric.

Something rustled about four feet away underneath a stray piece of poster board. I said,

I made it about halfway down the ladder when my friend suddenly was standing on a bin instead of the floor. I never saw her jump. I think she apparated.

At the same time, I heard a plop and a rustle in the big trash can below.

Apparently, a fart monster had emerged from under the poster board and scuttled across her foot. It ran straight out of the loft and miraculously landed in the trash can.

We climbed down the ladder and peered into the trash can. Surely enough, a fart monster poked its nose out.

I slammed the lid onto the trash can.

We voyaged across camp to the dumpster and upended the trash can. The fart monster fell in, and piles of junk fell on top of it.

We climbed up the side of the dumpster and peeked over the edge, looking for the fart monster. Some other people approached the dumpster. Soon, there were about ten of us peeking into the dumpster, looking for the fart monster.

I feel a little guilty about the whole event. The fart monster was actually kind of cute. But I must remind myself that if I had kept it around, I probably would have gotten the black plague. And ebola.

I've only climbed entirely into the loft of the craft cabin one other time this whole summer. I would clean it, but I'm too terrified.

And last week, an entire big trash can full of junk tipped over up there somehow, showering the floor below with shreds of paper and fabric and rat turds. I'm not sure how big a fart monster would have to be to manage to tip over an entire big trash can full of stuff. I'd rather not think about it.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Bearnicorn for President

I have found a worthy candidate for the presidency of the United States. His name is Bearnicorn.

"But bearnicorns cannot run for president. Only humans can," you say. Well think again! Bears, especially bearnicorns, behave better than many politicians.

Here are eight reasons why you should vote for Mr. Bearnicorn in November:

1) He can protect you.

2) He loves everyone.

3) He doesn't let people control him.

4) His horn may or may not have magical properties.

5) He is honest.

6) His solutions to problems are simple and can be easily understood.

7) He is committed to excellence.

8) His speeches are incredibly inspiring.

Well, Mr. Bearnicorn will probably eat your legs either way, but if you vote for him, he will also eat politicians' legs.

So vote for Mr. Bearnicorn 2012!