Friday, April 27, 2012

Signs your roommates are velociraptors

Do you have bad roommates? They could be velociraptors.
Your roommates might be velociraptors if:

They never clean anything.

They don't brush their teeth. 

They don't go to the bathroom in the bathroom.

There are things resembling dead animal bits all over the floor and walls.

Whenever they get locked out, they bust the door down instead of asking an RA for help.

Whenever you say hello to them, they run at you screeching and growling.

When you offer to share some of your extra food with them, they tear your arms off instead.

When you put your new TV in the living room, they don't understand how it works, so they tear it to bits.

When you try to sleep at night, you are kept awake by your neighbors' screams of terror.

They don't help you pay the rent. Or the utilities.

They don't use dishes to eat.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Cows 101 (not recommended for the faint of stomach)

Cows are interesting. Many people like to drink milk from cows. Some people even eat cows. The sad part of all this is that people don't take the time to get to know cows. I bet if I asked you, "What is a cow's favorite color?" you would have no answer for me. That is utterly shameful. (Yes, I did just go there.)

Today I will take some time to tell you everything you probably never bothered to learn about cows.

In case you didn't know, this is a cow:

The cow I have pictured above is an iconic cow. As you hopefully know, not all cows are white with black blobs (I would say "spots," but the word "spots" makes me think of dalmatians, and dalmatians are not cows.)

Some cows are brown. Some are all white. Some are all black. Some are blond. Some are solid-colored with big blobs of brown from rolling around in dirt and other brown things.

A boy version is called a bull or a steer, depending on how successful he'd be at creating little cows. A girl version is called a heifer or a cow, depending on how many times she's uh, been around the block. Little cows are called calves.

But today, we will focus on cows: the females who have, you know, been here, done that, had some calves to prove it...

A cow's favorite color is green, because green is the color of grass, and grass is delicious.

In fact, cows like grass so very much that they eat it, then puke it back up to eat it some more!

Cows chew regurgitated grass the way old, toothless hillbillies chew tobacco--constantly. Except cows are better at retaining their teeth.

If you think a cow's only hobby is eating barfy grass, you are wrong! Cows also like taking tremendous poops!

Cows have udders. Udders have teats. Usually a cow udder has four teats. These teats are where milk comes from. Mmm, milk!

Sometimes, cow udders have more than four teats. Extra teats are called supernumerary teats. They are useless because you cannot get milk from them.

Cows like the sound of tractors. They find it soothing. At least until the tractors begin chasing them. Then cows see tractors as big and scary.

Finally, cows enjoy rampaging after small children. I'm not sure why they they enjoy such terrorism, but they do. Maybe they want revenge because of the tractors.

I hope you know more about cows now than you did before.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

My printer is adorable.

My printer is adorable. I am not going to complain about its inefficiency like most people do when they talk about their printers. My printer is plenty efficient, and it never gives me much trouble. It also has a scanner!

My printer is adorable because it tries so hard to make me happy.
Usually, when I print something out, my printer takes plenty of time, making sure it gives me a good-quality copy of whatever it is I'm printing.

Sometimes, I have to tell my printer to print out a fast draft of something because I'm in a hurry.
My printer takes this very seriously.

When my printer prints a fast draft of something, the print-out never lands on the printer tray. Instead, my printer keeps on pushing and unceremoniously chucks the print-out into the floor. I think my printer does this because it is excited and proud of its speedy accomplishment, not because it is defective.

If I could change one thing about my printer, it would have a wireless connection to my computer. But I'm not going to tell my printer that, because it would try really really hard to be wireless and would inevitably fail, and then it would shut itself down because of its fear of disappointing me.

My printer is adorable.