Friday, July 6, 2012


I'm working at an outdoors (in-the-middle-of-a-forest outdoors) camp this summer. I teach kids crafts, and I'm also in charge of a rickety little building called "The Craft Cabin." All the supplies are kept inside, and we do crafts out on the porch. It's rotting in places, and I find new little piles of termite dust every day.

However, these things don't bother me as much as what lives inside in the loft.

Honestly, I'm terrified every time I have to go up there to get more craft supplies. You know why? Because fart monsters live up there. Other people at camp call them "wood rats," but I know better. They're definitely fart monsters.

At the beginning of the summer, the craft cabin looked terrible inside. There was really weird junk everywhere, crammed into every corner and crevice.

It took me two and a half weeks to gut and clean the inside. I filled up at least 6 giant trash cans. But I never cleaned the loft. I still haven't. It's too scary.

At one point during my cleaning spree, a friend came to see me. She said,

We climbed up the rickety metal ladder and stood in the loft, amidst bins and boxes full of craft supplies, and piles of chewed up paper, yarn, and fabric.

Something rustled about four feet away underneath a stray piece of poster board. I said,

I made it about halfway down the ladder when my friend suddenly was standing on a bin instead of the floor. I never saw her jump. I think she apparated.

At the same time, I heard a plop and a rustle in the big trash can below.

Apparently, a fart monster had emerged from under the poster board and scuttled across her foot. It ran straight out of the loft and miraculously landed in the trash can.

We climbed down the ladder and peered into the trash can. Surely enough, a fart monster poked its nose out.

I slammed the lid onto the trash can.

We voyaged across camp to the dumpster and upended the trash can. The fart monster fell in, and piles of junk fell on top of it.

We climbed up the side of the dumpster and peeked over the edge, looking for the fart monster. Some other people approached the dumpster. Soon, there were about ten of us peeking into the dumpster, looking for the fart monster.

I feel a little guilty about the whole event. The fart monster was actually kind of cute. But I must remind myself that if I had kept it around, I probably would have gotten the black plague. And ebola.

I've only climbed entirely into the loft of the craft cabin one other time this whole summer. I would clean it, but I'm too terrified.

And last week, an entire big trash can full of junk tipped over up there somehow, showering the floor below with shreds of paper and fabric and rat turds. I'm not sure how big a fart monster would have to be to manage to tip over an entire big trash can full of stuff. I'd rather not think about it.